


tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme

by wearealltalesintheend



Series: so, no one told you life was gonna be this way [2]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Buzzfeed, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Crack, F/F, First Meetings, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, amanda vlogs, and he and bart have got to stop getting banned from places, dirk and todd are the unsolved guys, panto wants to know whos the cute guy at subway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 14:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13366608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearealltalesintheend/pseuds/wearealltalesintheend
Summary: "The room shakes as she struggles to stabilize the camera on selfie mode; it shows the Blackwing offices, Farah is on the computer right in front of her, focused on her job and in the background Tina is standing barefoot in the hallway eating cheetos with chopsticks. In the corner of the camera Amanda grins, “hey, guys! So, as the Rowdy 3 is on hiatus right now, I will be doing these daily, sort of, vlogs! I’m calling it 'Keeping up with the Rowdies' and it’s gonna be lit.” She turns the camera to face Farah fully, “yo, say hi to the internet!”"...or, the one where Amanda gives us a glimpse of life inside Blackwing offices, Panto finds out that his sworn enemy is unfairly cute, and Mona should start making makeup tutorials.





	tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I finished the second season I loved it? Honestly it was soo good? And I love Tina so much?
> 
> And so i got inspired.

The room shakes as she struggles to stabilize the camera on selfie mode; it shows the Blackwing offices, Farah is on the computer right in front of her, focused on her job and in the background Tina is standing barefoot in the hallway eating cheetos with chopsticks. In the corner of the camera Amanda grins, “hey, guys! So, as the Rowdy 3 is on hiatus right now, I will be doing these daily, sort of, vlogs! I’m calling it  _ Keeping up with the Rowdies _ and it’s gonna be lit.” She turns the camera to face Farah fully, “yo, say hi to the internet!”

 

“Do you think we are making too many makeup videos this season? Because we’re called  _ Ladylike  _ and I don’t want to fall into stereotypes but Tina finds them funny and Mona is surprisingly good at it? Like, professional level? I don’t know how she does it, she barely uses any around here but remember the snack challenge? And-”

 

“Okay, dude, you need to chill-”

 

Amanda puts the phone down and the camera shows a sideway view of her desk, filled with  _ omg  _ stickers, a gummy bear army and a framed photo of a young Todd hanging upside down from a tree covered with chicken feathers, before cutting to black.

 

***

 

“Dirk. For the last time.” Todd is seen sitting on his desk, pinching the bridge of his nose, “we are  _ not  _ covering the Loch Ness monster in the next Supernatural season.”

 

“But  _ why _ ?” Dirk pouts, perched on the desk beside her brother, “we did Bigfoot last season!”

 

“Okay, that’s totally different-”

 

Amanda zooms out the camera, turning it to her, “they’ve been at this for exactly- 43 minutes and 37 seconds. It’s a record, I give Todd five more minutes before he caves.” She moves to film them again. Dirk is now beaming and gesturing excitedly while Todd knocks his head against the table repeatedly. “Damn, that was fast. Are you guys seeing this shit? They’re so in love, I’m getting diabetes.”

 

“Hey, boss, watcha doin’?” Vogel bumps shoulders with her, grinning, “wow, are you like, making a video right now? Can I be in it? What’s it about?”

 

She turns the camera to him, “sure, I’m vlogging because we’re on hiatus and I’m  _ bored _ . Also I’m getting blackmail material on Todd.”

 

“ _ Sweet. _ Yo, Gripps says Tina says Farah is asking if you wanna go get lunch with her and the Outsmarted guys.”

 

“Oh, like, now?”

 

“Yup.”

 

There’s a crash off-screen, a stream of curses and the fire alarm starts ringing. The camera cuts to black as the fire sprinklers turn on.

 

***

“Okay, guys, you won’t believe what I just fucking witnessed. I can’t believe Subway is our fair motherfucking Verona, but I swear to God, this is some Shakespearean shit. Okay, okay, it goes like this-”

 

***

 

They are at the Subway at the other side of town and Amanda is loving this vlog thing. She managed to get their impromptu uber karaoke on tape, their fans are gonna love their incredibly off tune rendition of  _ You belong with me _ . It’s so fucking terrible and she’s half afraid Taylor Swift might sue. 

 

But now they’re at the farthest goddamned Subway they could find on a quick five minutes search on Google Maps, because apparently both Bart  _ and  _ Panto are banned from all Subways, Starbucks and Walmarts near the offices. 

 

McDonalds allowed them to stay as long as they’re not together, but they’re on fucking thin ice.

 

So, as it turns out, the other side of Seattle seems to love Subways considerably more, if the waiting line is anything to go by. Amanda is halfway through picking off the neon green nail polish from the fourth finger in a row when it happens and she, of course, starts recording.

 

First, Farah says something along the lines of _this establishment is surprisingly bad at security measures_ _we would all die if someone started a fire_ or something equally doom and gloom, which, of course, sets Bart off in a fit of obnoxiously loud laughter, as anything murder related does. Then, Panto says something Amanda doesn’t catch because Farah is now frowning and she needs to stop her from spiraling in Lecture Mode, but whatever he says causes Bart to push him in what only Bart herself calls good nature. 

 

And thus, Romeo meets his Juliet.

 

It happens almost in slow motion, Panto stumbles into the guy in front of him in the line, the guy turns to, like, apologize or something, and that’s it. Panto is in love. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out of it, and he stands there, blinking like a fish, and the guy. This guy, oh man, he looks fucking smitten. It’s worse than when Dirk met Todd.

 

“Hi,” Panto says,  _ breathlessly _ , “I apologize, I did not mean to-”

 

“No, no, it is fine,” the guy  _ blushes _ , “think nothing of it.”

 

There’s a pause, when they’re just like, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes or some shit, and Bart has her maniac grin on, because this is soap opera level of cliche.

 

“I have not seen you here before,” he blurts out, “do you not come here often?”

 

“No, I do not. I work on the other side of town,” Panto sounds almost sad saying it, before adding, “but my friend is trying to become a vegetarian and they say this is the best sandwich?”

 

The guy’s eyes lit up, “oh, indeed, it is! You see,” he explains, “I am a vegetarian as well. Usually, I eat here or at the vegan place near my office. They have the best vegetarian dishes, your friend should try it.”

 

The friend in question is Bart, she’s on a no bloodshed phase, which is pretty weird for her, but everyone’s too afraid to say anything about it.It’s probably gonna be over in a few weeks.  Also she keeps giving them random facts about animal cruelty and sending them pictures of baby animals attached to office emails,and it’s the cutest thing she’s ever seen. Now, Panto smiles, because this is the chance he had been looking for, “then perhaps, you could show me some day? I’m afraid I am terribly lost in this neighbourhood.”

 

Fine, Amanda will give him that, this guy’s smile is pretty damn sweet, and right now, he’s smiling like someone just told him he won the lottery. “I would like that, I would like it very much.”

 

At this point, though, the guy’s cell phone rings. He answers it, but whatever is said makes him go pale and check his watch. He goes even paler and finishes the call quickly. When he finally looks up, he sounds completely heartbroken, “I must go, I have a meeting in five minutes and if I do not leave now, I will not make it in time. It was- It was lovely to meet you, but I must go.”

 

It happens so fast, Panto barely has time to run after him, catching him as he gets in his car, “wait! Please, may I have your name?”

 

The guy rolls down his window, bites his lip, but the car is already taking off, “it’s Silas! Silas Dengdamor!”

 

***

 

“And you guys think that’s it? Nope. There’s more. Because apparently that’s not drama enough, it turns out, Panto’s family, the Trosts, are like, sworn enemies of the Dengdamors since forever. I swear to god, I’m not even kidding, I’m still processing everything. I’ll keep you guys posted as the Fairy Tale Saga continues.”

 

***

 

The camera shows the Blackwing offices after hours, most lights are dimmed and only Farah remains working at her desk. Amanda jumps up and sits at the table, legs dangling in front of her, “so, what’s up?”

 

Farah smiles, a little tired, a little relieved, “I have decided, I’m not going to overthink this. We’re going to make the videos we want.” She leans back in her chair, stretching and cracking her knuckles, and Amanda pretends there’s no warmth settling in her chest, no fever boiling her blood as she stares at the strip of naked skin catching the light everytime her shirt rides up. “If Mona wants to test every Kyle Kardashian eyeshadow, I say let’s do it. If Tina wants to learn how to graffiti, I say sure, as soon as I get the permit from City Hall.”

 

“That’s awesome.” Her voice cracks and her mouth feels dry, so Amanda tries clearing her throat with vengeance, willing the butterflies to digest themselves, “I mean, it’s your channel. You should do what makes you all happy. But you already knew that, you just had to chill a little.”

 

She laughs, clear and echoing off the empty hallways, “yeah, I guess, thanks for reminding me. And getting me to relax.”

 

“Nah, it’s cool.” The camera shakes as Amanda suddenly remembers she’s still recording and jerks upright from her slouching position. “So, see you tomorrow?”

 

Farah grins, pats her knee, “good night, Amanda.” 

 

The camera turns to show her own face as she waves goodbye, “bye guys, this has been a wild ride, until next video. Check out Todd and Dirk’s new Unsolved episode, and don’t forget to subscribe to our channel! The links are in the description or, you can click on the screen if I bother to embed the link! Bye, losers!” 

 

She flips off the screen and Farah’s laughter rings loud while it fades to black.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you made it! How about leaving a comment or a kudo? Or you can talk to me at [my tumblr](http://wearealltalesintheend.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Also, if you love this show and wants a third season, how about signing this [petition](https://www.change.org/p/netflix-renew-dirk-gently-s-holistic-detective-agency-for-season-3-future-seasons?recruiter=844065595&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&utm_campaign=share_petition)?
> 
> And hey? Thanks!


End file.
